You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I fill condoms, not promises.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
