i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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