I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
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She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
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I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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