i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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