It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
