um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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