saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i love accidental penises.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
it's like heaven, but drunker
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
