I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
