Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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