When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
