if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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