Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
