Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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