then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
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No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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