Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize