I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
