She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
