I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
