god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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