I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
