I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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