I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
