Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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