i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
