I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
