He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
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it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
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And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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