Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.