happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
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We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
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I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.