happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
