we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
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Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
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ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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