the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
