i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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