i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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