oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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