I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
