I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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