I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
