I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
