I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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