I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
