another moral hangover. fuck.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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