Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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