Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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