god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize