were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
