You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
where are you?
Hypothermia
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
