There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
