Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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