Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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