I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
