I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i will never coherently bang her
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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