I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
