When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
