New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
