Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
