Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
