You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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