I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
