Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
