he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
