if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
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